I’m a pretty cautious person, dipping my toe in the water, testing, swirling it around a bit to make sure nothing is going to bite me before I slip further inside.
I suspect if you were to ask family and friends, they would say, “Girl, you don’t give a f*ck, you are going to do exactly what you want to do.” They’d point to my willingness to do any and everything with myself—theater, dinner, concerts, travel. To me, those are the safe things because I don’t have to combat my social anxiety just to appear “normal”. I can just be my weird self, with myself.
While we may have differing opinions, one thing we can agree on is I don’t have a big appetite for risk. I’m not completely risk averse, but I have to analyze the pros and cons from every angle. Sit with things a bit until I’ve convinced myself of the right decision and I’m completely comfortable.
In short, I’m as confused and messed up as everyone else.
After my initial scouting trip, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking–second-guessing. Uncertainty does that to a person. Fear does that to a person. Instability does that to a person.
Since 2016, there hasn’t been a lot of toe-dipping. I’ve been riding on a skateboard, careening off-balance and uncontrollably toward God only knows what. There’s nothing to grab onto, things are just happening and I’ve closed my eyes because I can’t bear to see what I’m going to inevitably crash into.
My life flashed before my eyes. More than once. The good times, like writing the play no one other than family and friends saw. The first time I was able to hold my younger cousins without dropping them. Shooting my first two shorts. The energy that envelops me when I’m feeling especially creative and churning out decent material.
But that was the past.
The present and future? Not as bright. Here I am, a woman of a certain age still chasing her dream but a little less fervently because, you know, depression. Who desperately wants to write and create, but can’t find the inspiration because the world is falling apart around me and I don’t know what to do.
So, back to the thinking. When I began a sentence to my Mom with, “Hey, I was thinking…” she braced herself for some deep conversation about something she’d never considered. It’s not that she dreads those conversations, she just has no idea what goes on in this head of mine which, to be honest, can be just about anything.
What have I been thinking about?
Moving. Having something to look forward to. The economy. Devaluation. Recession. Wealth. Income. Investing. Debt. Default. Climate change. Economic theories. Austerity.
Why?
I’m pretty financially secure and by that I mean I have a mortgage and that is my only debt. My income allows me to do whatever I want and still save. I’m comfortable—financially.
But I’ve started thinking about short term vs. long term investing. My long term investments are of no concern. I’m not going to touch that money for quite some time, so the daily rollercoaster of Wall Street doesn’t give me anxiety. I can’t say the same for my short-term investments.
There are days and even weeks when I don’t even bother looking at my portfolio because I know I’m going to start sweating and will fire off an email to my financial advisor asking for a plan. But lately, as I think about this move, I wonder if I should think differently about what I’m doing?
When I met with my advisor last summer and I first broached the subject of moving, he pointed to a bucket of investments where I have immediate access to cash. He said he thinks of it as cash so if I need it, it’s there. I also committed to setting aside an additional sum monthly to invest.
I have all of this money tied up and I’m nervous all the time. So it occurred to me one night, probably after a bit too much wine, what am I waiting for? I am liquid enough to buy a home now and if I have to, let it remain empty. I am liquid enough to buy a pre-construction home and move when I’m ready.
When a seed is planted in my head, it grows in all directions. I think about it. I consider multiple scenarios. Talk it out to myself and others. Create charts. I’ve done all of those things with this and it’s becoming increasingly clear that my search for a new home must begin, for real this time, sooner than I ever imagined.
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